Can't Break Her Fall
by DaniiButNotBeck
Summary: "I walked the steps to her apartment with the window by the shore, and saw her curled on the tile through a crack in the door. I've been searching for the words I don't know how to say. I've been searching for the words to make it go away." - Mat Kearney, "Can't Break Her Fall"


Title: Can't Break Her Fall

Rating: K+

Author's Note: As you all know, these characters aren't mine. They belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.

Author's Note 2: This story is the result of a prompt from a close friend. I hope I did it justice.

Prompt: At the end of Guilt, Alex is suspended. In real life, she probably would have been censured. Write a story where the outcome of "Guilt" is Alex is censured. What does it do to her emotionally? How does it affect her life?

**TW: Anxiety**

.

* * *

Alex slings back her second shot, slamming the glass on the bar counter. "Another," she says, gesturing to Joe the Bartender.

Joe shakes his head. ''I think you've had enough, Alex."

Alex fixes him with an icy glare. "I'm not in the mood for one of your lectures, Joe," she says, quirking her eyebrow expectantly. "Can I please just have another?"

With a disapproving shake of his head, Joe refills her glass and watches as she downs the shot with a smile. "Okay," he says, "switch to something lighter or I'm going to stop serving you."

"Joe, please," Alex whines, dropping her head onto the table. "I've had a terrible day. Please just let me drown my sorrows in cheap shots and boring music."

Joe shakes his head. "Your brother would never let me hear the end of it."

"He doesn't have to know."

Joe chuckles bitterly. "Your brother knows everything that happens in this place."

Alex groans. "Joe. I am begging you to let me have this."

Joe sighs, refilling Alex's glass. "Last one," he says pointedly.

Alex faux salutes him and downs the shot. "Thank you, Joe," she says sweetly.

Joe shakes his head. "Let me call someone to take you home."

Alex shakes her head, standing up and immediately losing her footing. "I'm okay," she says, gripping the bar counter. "I'm okay."

Joe shakes his head. "Gimme your phone, Alex."

Alex frowns, fishing her phone out of her purse. "I can call on my own."

Joe holds his hand out expectantly. "We both know you won't call anyone."

Alex sighs, clutching her phone tightly. "There's no one to call. I burnt my last bridge today."

"I'm sure that's not true."

"It is." Alex shoves her hand through her hair, sinking back into her seat. She throws her phone on the counter and rests her head in her hands. "I was censured today, Joe."

Joe leans across the counter and lightly rests his hand on Alex's shoulder. "Let's get you home. You need sleep so you can reflect on it tomorrow."

Alex nods, her shoulders dropping in defeat. "Thanks, Joe."

Joe smiles sincerely. "Anything for family. You know that, Alex."

.

* * *

.

Back in the squadroom, Olivia stares blankly out the door, subconsciously drumming her fingers against her desk.

Elliot looks up from the DD-5 he is working on and sighs. "Go," he says. "I know you're worried about her. So go see her. Make sure she's okay."

Olivia's brow furrows in confusion. "What?"

Elliot runs his hand over his face. "Alex. I know you're worried about her. So go see her."

Olivia looks down at her cellphone and pushes her hand through her short hair. "She still hasn't called me back."

"Go, Liv. You're obviously itching to get out of here. So just go. I'll cover with Cragen."

Olivia shoots her partner a smile and grabs her leather jacket out of her locker before leaving.

The walk to Alex's office takes eleven minutes. When Olivia gets there, she is disappointed to find the door locked. With a frustrated groan, she pulls out her phone and dials Alex's number again. It goes straight to voicemail.

Elliot, however, picks up on the second ring. "Stabler."

"El, it's me," Olivia says. "I need you to do me a favor."

"Sure, Liv. What's up?"

"Can you run a trace on Alex's phone?"

On the other end of the line, Elliot pulls up the tracing program and types in Alex's number. "Her phone must be off; I'm not getting anything."

Olivia sighs, rubbing her forehead. "Alright. Could you find her address for me? I'm gonna check her apartment."

"Yeah, I'll text it to you."

"Thanks, El." Olivia hangs up and leans against Alex's office door, waiting for Elliot's text. Her phone dings with the message and she memorizes it to give to the cabbie when she gets outside.

Fifteen minutes later, she is standing outside of Alex's building, her finger hovering over the buzzer next to Alex's name. Throwing caution to the wind, she presses the button.

And waits.

And waits.

And waits.

Ten minutes later, she is still waiting. Irritated and angry, she bangs on the glass door until the doorman comes over and opens it. "Yes?" he says.

"Detective Olivia Benson, NYPD," Olivia says, pulling her badge off her belt and showing it to the man. "I need to get to one of the apartments in this building."

The doorman quirks his eyebrow. "Do you have a warrant?"

Olivia groans. "Listen. Someone inside could be in trouble. I don't have time to stand here and argue with you. Let me in before I arrest you for obstruction of justice."

Ruffled and unsure of whether Olivia is bluffing or not, the doorman steps aside and allows Olivia to enter the building.

"Thank you," Olivia says curtly, reattaching her badge to her belt and bristling past the man, making a beeline for the elevator. She punches the button for the fourteenth floor and waits for the elevator to make its ascent.

She is out of the box before the doors open, hoping for the best but prepared for the worst. She keeps her hand on the gun, totally alert just in case something should go wrong.

She approaches Alex's door silently, to find it (thankfully) shut and locked. Slightly relaxing her shoulders, she knocks on the door.

And again, she is forced to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Tired of all the waiting she has done, she pounds on the door incessantly until she hears the lock click open. She turns the doorknob tentatively and opens the door.

Stepping into Alex's apartment, Olivia lets out a low whistle. The furnishings are a strange mix of classy and humble, yet they also give the apartment a feeling of home. Olivia has to smile. She looks around the apartment quickly before noticing Alex's bedroom light is on.

"Alex," she says, walking quickly toward the bedroom. Standing in the doorway, she looks into Alex's room.

Alex is curled up on her bed, making herself as small as possible, her back facing the door, shaking with compressed sobs. Olivia moves toward the bed carefully, cautiously, almost as if she is approaching a wild animal.

"Alex," she says softly, sitting on the edge of the bed and lightly resting her hand on Alex's shoulder. Alex tenses immediately at the contact. "Hey. It's just me."

"You shouldn't be here, Olivia," Alex says, shrugging Olivia's hand off her shoulder.

"And yet here is where I am."

"Are you here to yell at me? Berate me? Explain to me how I almost cost you your job?"

"I was," Olivia says, "at first. But then I became more and more worried."

"And now?"

Olivia shrugs. "You're my best friend, Alex. I can be worried about you and still be pissed at you." _Plus, you know, I happen to really care about you, so that factors into it somehow._

Alex rolls onto her back and looks up at Olivia, her eyes shining with tears. "I never intended for this to backlash on to you and Elliot. I explained that to Don and Liz."

"Relax, Alex. All we got was a slap on the wrist and docked ten vacation days. I'm not worried about it. I'm more worried about you. Do you know what the result of your censure will be?"

Alex pushes herself to a sitting position and pulls her blanket over her lap. She shrugs. "Liz already suspended me for thirty days, so the Bar may take that into consideration at my hearing."

"Donnelly reported you?"

Alex nods. "Ms. Cavanaugh called for my immediate dismissal but" - she chuckles bitterly, ironically, mirthlessly - "everyone deserves a fair trial."

"When's your hearing?"

"Monday."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

Alex shakes her head. "It would be improper and look biased. They might call on you to testify."

Olivia snorts derisively. "For your side, I hope."

Alex's brow furrows in confusion.

Olivia rolls her eyes. "C'mon, Alex. You didn't think you were alone in this, did you?"

"Well...yes. I did."

"Listen. Alex. The squad is like a family: No matter how many times you screw up, we will always be behind you 100%."

For the first time all day, Alex feels a little less alone.

.

* * *

.

Monday morning finds Alex sitting outside a conference room in the New York City Bar Association building. Rain beats hard against the windows, and dark clouds cover the city in an everlasting bout of gloom.

Alex looks out the window and can't help but feel the weather is an accurate representation of how she feels at this moment.

The door to the conference room opens and Alex shoots to her feet the second her name leaves the woman's lips.

Olivia bursts into the waiting room, her clothes sopping from the rain, her shoes sliding on the tile floor, just as the conference room door clicks shut, managing to barely catch a glimpse of Alex's blonde hair. Her shoulders sag dejectedly as she sinks into the chair closest to the door. Across from her sits Trevor Langan.

"Detective Benson," Trevor says with a nod. "I'm surprised to see you here."

Olivia rolls her eyes. "Not today, Langan."

"I'm here for Alex."

"For her or against her?"

"For."

"Why? Does she need legal representation?"

Trevor quickly shakes his head. "I'm more of a back-up plan her mother insisted on."

"No offense, Langan, but I really hope she doesn't need you."

"None taken." Trevor smiles. "I hope she doesn't need me either."

For the next hour and a half, they sit in near-silence, making small talk only when absolutely necessary.

The door of the conference room opens at 10:27 and Olivia - half-asleep - bolts out of her chair and gathers an extremely exhausted and down-trodden Alex in a hug, which Alex promptly returns.

"How'd it go?" Trevor asks, startling the silence in the room.

Alex ends the embrace and turns to look at Trevor, her defeated demeanor expressing more than words ever could. "Well, they didn't take my license."

"But?" Olivia asks.

Alex sighs. "Ms. Cavanaugh asked for the worst, claimed I signed her son's death certificate. And then they took into account that I could've cost you and Elliot your jobs, and that I broke a Constitutionally-mandated law."

"What was the outcome, Alex?" Trevor asks.

Alex shrugs, shakes her head. "They're deliberating. All I know right now is that they're upholding my thirty-day suspension and I have another hearing on March 25."

Trevor nods, clapping Alex on the shoulder. "I'll tell your mother."

"Thanks, Trevor."

Trevor nods at Olivia and picks up his briefcase, walking out of the building like he is on a mission. Olivia forces herself to stifle her laughter. "C'mon," she says, lightly touching Alex's elbow. "I'll buy you breakfast."

They end up at a cafe on 9th Ave shortly before 11:00. Alex orders a cheese danish and a medium coffee, and Olivia orders a breakfast panini with bacon and chocolate milk.

Alex quirks her eyebrow at Olivia's drink of choice. "Are you secretly five years old?"

Taking a large gulp of her chocolate milk, Olivia puffs out her chest and smirks. "I'll have you know that milk is an excellent source of calcium and helps promote strong bones."

Alex laughs and it is magical, freeing. She turns her head, staring out the window at the street, her smile fading. "Thank you," she says quietly enough that Olivia nearly misses it.

Olivia reaches across the table, resting her hand on top of Alex's. She smiles crookedly. "What are friends for?"

And Alex feels her heart soar.

.

* * *

.

They spend the day at Alex's apartment, engrossed in an all-day movie marathon. As midnight passes by, Olivia groans, standing up and stretching her tired body. The movement wakes Alex and she groggily pushes herself to a sitting position. Olivia smiles, ruffling her friend's hair.

Half asleep, Alex glares up at Olivia before softening her expression. "Leaving so soon?"

Olivia nods. "I'll call you later though, depending on how busy we are."

Frowning, Alex nods. "Good night, Liv," she says sadly.

"Hey," Olivia says, kneeling in front of the couch and using the light of the tv to look into Alex's eyes, "you'll be back to work in no time."

"Hopefully."

Olivia grins. "No one in their right mind would keep the great Alexandra Cabot out of court for too long."

Sighing, Alex smiles. "Thanks, Liv."

Olivia stands up, ruffles Alex's hair. "I'll call you tomorrow, Al. Sleep well."

"You too."

Hours later, in the silence of her apartment, Alex is still wide awake, her mind going a million miles a minute.

She is panicking; she can feel it in the way her body starts to shake, and the way her heart beats hard against her ribcage, almost as if it is trying to break free of her body. She feels it in the way her stomach cramps and the way the world loses focus and leaves her feeling disoriented and detached.

She bolts upright in bed, reaching blindly for the lamp on her bedside table, but hitting the glass of ice water instead and knocking it off the table. It shatters when it hits the floor, sending glass and water flying in all directions. Her breath is coking in labored gasps and when she finally finds the lamp switch and pulls the cord, she is on the verge of passing out.

The warm yellow light grounds her, gives her something to focus her attention on. She sets her feet on the floor, the water and glass inconsequential at this second, and grips the side of her bed hard enough to whiten her knuckles.

_Feel your feet on the ground? Solid. Safe. Home. _

_Breathe. _She takes a deep breath, holds it, lets it out slowly. Then another. Then another. _That's right. In. Out. In. Out. _

_Keep your eyes open. Focus on the light. Good. _

_Breathe again, Alex. Keep breathing. _

_Focus. _

_Wiggle your toes. _

_Don't try to stand, not yet. You're still shaking; your legs won't support you. _

_Better. _

_Much better. _

Gradually, her breathing returns to normal, as does her heartbeat. Her shakiness subsides and the nausea fades. Her focus returns and she no longer feels as though nothing is real.

She stands up and walks through her apartment, flicking on every light and checking the door and every window to make sure they are locked.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

At least partially satisfied, she returns to her bedroom with a towel and the broom to clean up the glass and water on the floor. The cleaning is soothing, calming.

Soon enough, she is back in bed, staring up at the ceiling, focusing on her breathing and the meditation techniques she learned in therapy.

Just a few hours later, she is woken by the shrill ring of her cellphone. "Cabot," she answers groggily.

"Open your door."

"Liv?"

"Yeah. Open the door, Alex." Olivia hangs up the phone.

Alex groans, sets her phone on the bedside table, and walks to the door. She quickly checks through the peephole and pulls open the door, attempting to convey an air of irritation but failing miserably as a dimpled smile firmly plants itself on her lips.

Olivia grins, staring down at the floor, rocking back and forth from her heel to her toes, her hands stuffed deep into the pockets of her jeans. "Did I wake you?"

Alex steps aside, letting Olivia enter her apartment. "Just a little. What are you doing here?"

Olivia shrugs. "I thought you'd want to get lunch. I'm free for" - she glances down at her watch - "37 minutes."

Alex's brow furrows in confusion. "Isn't it a little early for lunch?"

"Alex, it's quarter of noon."

"Shit."

Olivia laughs. "I take it you didn't check the time?"

Alex shrugs. "I guess not."

"So..." - Olivia quirks her eyebrow, already reaching for the menus on the corkboard by Alex's fridge- "Lunch?"

"Sure," Alex says, retreating to her bedroom to find lounge clothes rather than the silk shorts and tank top she has on.

"Thai?" Olivia calls into the bedroom.

"From that place down the street?" Alex yells back.

"Of course." Olivia laughs. "What do you want?"

Alex shrugs, walking out of the bedroom in a maroon Harvard t-shirt and gray sweatpants. "Surprise me."

Olivia groans. "You hate when I do that."

"I'm feeling adventurous today."

Olivia rolls her eyes, but steps outside to call in the order just out of earshot. "You better not complain, Cabot," she says, walking back into the living room.

"When have I ever complained about what you've ordered?"

"That time we got from that organic place."

"Okay," Alex says, "but in my defense, you ordered us bowls of yeast and dirt."

Olivia laughs. "I thought you liked that stuff! You seemed so health conscious."

Alex laughs and shakes her head, and the two fall into a companionable silence. The knock on the door a few minutes later is startling; Olivia opens the door, pays, and thanks the man before Alex even has a chance.

"How much was it?" Alex asks, retrieving her wallet from the kitchen.

Olivia shakes her head. "It's on me."

"You bought breakfast yesterday."

"So?"

"So let me get this one."

"No."

Alex rolls her eyes. "Do you always have to be so damn stubborn?"

Grinning, Olivia nods. "Yes."

"Incorrigible," Alex mutters just loud enough for Olivia to hear, turning back toward the kitchen to retrieve plates and bottles of water.

They eat in the living room, with the tv on as background noise. Ever the detective, Olivia surreptitiously glances around the room, taking note of the covered windows and extra lighting.

Alex watches her out of the corner of her eye. "I had trouble sleeping last night," she says by way of explanation, sheepishly rubbing the back of her neck.

Olivia nods once, respecting Alex's decision to keep the truth to herself. "You can always call," she says, standing up and bringing their empty plates into the kitchen. "I can reenact _Macbeth _for you until you fall asleep."

Alex snorts. "Badly."

Falling back onto the couch, Olivia looks at her, feigning a scandalized look. "I'll have you know I am a _very_ good actress."

Alex quirks her eyebrow, almost as if she is challenging Olivia.

Olivia laughs. "Alright, Cabot, you win this round." She pushes herself to her feet, groaning. "I should get back to work. You gonna be okay here?"

Alex nods. "Zip up your jacket; it's supposed to be awfully cold out there today."

Olivia sighs good-naturedly. "Yes, Mother."

Alex rolls her eyes, swatting at Olivia. "Go," she says, pushing Olivia toward the door. "Go back to work. Don't freeze to death walking there."

Olivia stops, her expression turning serious. "Call me, Alex, if you need to talk. About anything. At any time. Okay?"

Alex nods. "I will, Liv. Have a nice day."

"You too, Alex."

.

* * *

.

The days begin to pass in a blur.

She only calls Olivia in the middle of the night once, regretting it immediately when Olivia insists on coming over.

Olivia ends up spending the night three times during the week before Alex's second hearing, and accompanies Alex to her hearing on the morning of March 25.

"Are you sure you don't want me to come in with you?" Olivia asks, pulling open the door of the Bar Association building.

"They probably won't let you stay anyway."

"Are you comfortable going in by yourself?"

"I won't be alone, Liv. Trevor's going to be there."

Olivia crinkles her nose in distaste. "Why him?"

"He's one of the best defense attorneys in New York, and he's an old family friend."

Olivia sighs, settling into the seat in the waiting area closest to the conference room door. "Still."

Sitting in the chair next to Olivia's, Alex worriedly wrings her hands together, chewing on her bottom lip. Olivia reaches over and places her hand on Alex's.

"Everything's going to be fine," Olivia says. "No matter what happens."

"You don't know that."

"I know that you, Alex Cabot, are resilient. No matter what happens, you'll bounce back."

Alex chuckles bitterly. "Your faith in me is astonishing, especially after everything that's happened."

"Don't mention it."

The same woman from a month ago opens the conference room door and calls Alex into the room. Olivia squeezes Alex's hand reassuringly and gives her a nod.

Alex stands on shaking legs, walking into the conference room.

Sitting at the u-shaped table at the front of the room is the seven Board members, Ms. Cavanaugh, and Liz Donnelly.

Alex quickly makes eye contact with Liz before taking the seat behind the desk across from the u-shaped table. Beside her, Trevor has a notepad open on the desk. He gives her a brief smile.

"Ahem."

Alex turns her attention to the Head of the Board - a paunchy, older man, with gray hair and cold eyes.

"You know why you're here, Miss Cabot?" he asks.

"Yes, sir," Alex says.

He nods, looking down at an open manila folder. "You were last here on February 25 as a result of your professional misconduct on February 20."

"Yes, sir."

"At that hearing, we upheld Bureau Chief Donnelly's decision to suspend you for thirty days."

"Yes, sir."

"And you were told to report here today - Monday, March 25 - for our final decisions."

"Yes, sir."

He looks around the u-shaped table, making brief eye contact with each person, before turning his steely gaze back to Alex. "We have come to a decision regarding appropriate measures to be taken for your professional...misconduct."

Liz looks away from Alex, staring intently at her notepad. Conversely, Ms. Cavanaugh is staring directly at Alex, a smug smile planted firmly on her lips. Alex forces down the anxiety she feels welling-up and maintains eye contact with Ms. Cavanaugh, refusing to back down.

"Miss Cabot," the Head of the Board says, "we have decided, by majority vote, to remove you from employment with the Manhattan District Attorney's Office and revoke your license to practice law in the state of New York."

Alex takes a deep breath, rising to her feet. "I understand," she says with a measured calmness that is deeply betrayed by the utter rage radiating off her body. "Thank you for reviewing my case." She turns on her heel and stalks out of the room, using all of her self-control not to slam the door behind her.

Olivia jumps up at the door shuts, rushing to follow after Alex. Alex stops outside the doors, leaning against the wall, her head in her hands, her body shaking. Olivia approaches her cautiously, as one would a wild animal, afraid of startling her.

"Alex," she says lightly, resting her hand on Alex's shoulder. "Alex, what happened in there?"

Alex looks up, exhaling sharply. "You were wrong, Olivia," she yells. She roughly pushes her hand through her hair. "Everything I've worked, everything I've achieved, all of my goals, everything - gone!"

"Why?"

"They took my license to practice law, Liv. I can't be a lawyer in New York anymore."

Olivia's expression turns from concern to disbelief to anger. She turns, storming back to the door, but Alex's hand on her arm stops her. "They can't do this, Alex."

"They can," Alex says. "They're the Board. They can do whatever they want."

Olivia groans. "It's not fair, Alex."

Alex laughs mirthlessly. "You think I don't know that, Liv?"

"You're right, Alex. I'm sorry." She sighs. "What can I do?"

"I can appeal in six months, according to the Handbook."

"Then we prepare your appeal and we get your license back."

"The DA's Office won't hire me back, Liv. The infraction was too great; I'm too much of a risk."

"They're losing the best damn prosecutor they've ever had."

They turn around, walking back toward Alex's apartment. The walk is silent and tense, with both women lost in their thoughts.

"Do you want me to come up?" Olivia asks when they arrive at Alex's building.

Looking at her building, Alex sighs. "I probably won't be very good company today."

Olivia shrugs. "And I will? We just lost our best prosecutor; we're never going to win our cases now."

Alex shakes her head. "I'm sure whoever Donnelly chooses to replace me will be just as good."

Frowning, Olivia scrunches her nose. "Doubtful." She pulls Alex's keys out of her hand and unlocks the door, smiling slyly at the doorman as they walk by him.

"What'd you do to my doorman?" Alex asks after the elevator doors shut.

Smirking, Olivia shrugs. "I _may _have threatened to arrest him for obstruction of justice."

"Liv!"

Olivia at least has the decency to grin sheepishly. "C'mon, Alex. I wasn't actually gonna do it."

Alex laughs, rolling her eyes, and pulls her keys from Olivas's hand. She unlocks her apartment door, pushes it open, and allows Olivia to enter, shutting it behind her. "Well, Detective Benson, now that you've talked your way into my apartment, what are your plans?"

Olivia smirks. "I don't know, Counselor." Olivia freezes, watching intently as Alex's smile fades and her gaze falls to the floor. "Alex, I didn't-"

Alex shakes her head quickly, fixing Olivia with a small smile. "I know, Liv. It's just going to take a while to get used to."

"Hey," Olivia says, resting her hand on Alex's shoulder, "I know it feels like the end of the world right now, Al, but it'll get better. You'll see."

Alex looks up into Olivia's deep, brown eyes. "I hope so, Liv. I hope so."

.

* * *

End

Maybe? I don't know. A sequel is in consideration. Thank you for reading!


End file.
